Bad Cook

I'll have to admit it - I'm a terrible cook! Thank God I married Carol, because she knows her way around the kitchen. If I had remained a bachelor I'd probably weigh about 70 pounds by now, refusing to eat my own lousy cooking, or maybe 700 pounds if I ate the greasy stuff.

I've been banned for life from contributing to our weekly barbecues. JC and Kelly both cook when we're at their house, but when we're at our house all I'm allowed to do is start the charcoal, pour the wine and take out the garbage. Carol does the rest.

The exception is breakfast. Since our dog Taz and I are early risers, I almost always make my own breakfast.

I think a person can learn anything, especially if the threat of pain and fire extinguishers is involved, so over the years, after experiencing many disasters, I've learned how to cook one meal with decent results. Of course, since I'm the only one who eats it, you'll have to take my word for it. (Taz does get to lick my plate when I'm done, (for a dishwasher pre-rinse) and he seems to like it OK.)

Here are some of my favorite breakfast recipes:

High fiber microwaved bacon

Take two pieces of extra fat bacon, lay them on two layers of paper towels on two paper plates. Cover with another layer of paper towel. Microwave on high for three and a half or four minutes. (If the paper plate catches on fire, cut down cooking time.) When done correctly the bacon should look and taste like high quality pork rinds, only blacker. In fact if you're out of bacon, pork rinds can be substituted. If the bacon sticks to the paper towels, which it usually does, peel off what you can and don't worry about the rest. (This is where the high fiber comes from!) Enjoy!

Sunny side up Wal-mart eggs

If Wal-mart eggs are unavailable, other eggs can be substituted. Spray egg pan with Wal-mart cooking spray, making sure that the pan is well greased. Crack two eggs into a pan pre-heated to medium temp, and fish out the small pieces of eggshell with a larger piece. Fish that piece out with your fingers and run cold water on them to prevent blisters. Cover the eggs with a lid to steam them to a runny perfection.

Alaska White Baked Potato

Put one medium size Alaska White potato in the microwave set on high for six minutes. (No other kind of potato will do.) Through experience I have learned to poke holes in the potato with a fork so it doesn't explode. (If you poke the holes just right, the escaping steam will make the potato self rotate!) If it does explode, see the recipe for Alaska White Hash Browns below. When it's done, mash it with a fork, season with Dollar Store freshly ground pepper, and sea salt, then smother it with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and Blue Cheese Dressing. Bon Apetite!

Alaska White Hash Browns

Grate a medium sized Alaska White Potato. ( No other kind of potato will do.) Be careful of your fingers on the grater, (but really, you can't see the blood when the potatoes are browned.) Drop the grated potato into a hot cast iron skillet greased with Wal-mart cooking spray. When one side is brown flip with a spatula, being careful to keep most of the hash browns in the skillet. Season with freshly ground Dollar Store sea salt and pepper, add a dollop of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and when the second side is browned to perfection, serve!

Le Petomane Bean Pancakes

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This recipe has been censored in the public interest by the FDA and the Department of Homeland Security.

Late Christmas Present

The New TV

Our old big screen TV that we got from Radio Shack about 7 years ago started acting up last month. JC is a whiz at fixing TV's so he printed out some pages from the service manual CD, tweaked the settings and cured the dim picture and several other problems. But after he left, a black horizontal bar appeared that bounced the picture up and down like a Parkinson's patient on a “Magic Fingers” motel bed.

We put up with it for a while and even began to get used to it, until Carol started complaining of headaches and I gave up trying to time my tremors with the bounces. JC wasn't sure what it would take to fix it, and Radio Shack wanted a hundred bucks just to come and look at it, so we finally decided that it was time for a new TV. If JC could fix the old one we'd give it to one of the kids.

“Since we can't figure out what to get each other for Christmas, let's get something that we both can enjoy!” I said, rationalizing my hopes for a really big screen TV.

“After all,” I said, “What else is there to do in the winter time except watch the boob tube?”

I went on line and found a 65 Inch Mitsubishi on sale at Amazon dot com with free shipping, and best of all it was bigger than JC's!

After some trepidation, and discussion with the boss, I went ahead and ordered it. Amazon confirmed the order and gave us a tracking number to watch its progress as it traveled by truck from Lewisberry PA to Harrisburg PA, to Columbus Ohio, by air to Sacramento, then to PDX in Portland and finally by truck, hopefully to its new home.

Its journey started on December 23^rd and it was supposed to end here on January 5th. That gave me enough time to build a stand to set it on. Amazon wanted $400.00 for one and I figured I could build one just as good, if not better, for less than $50.00. I picked up a piece of high density particle board at the lumber yard and went to work.

After a lot of sawing, cussing, screwing, gluing, nailing, more cussing and sanding I had a TV stand that was ready to paint. I bought a quart of flat black enamel and a roller at Ace Hardware and commenced to paint not only the stand, but both of my hands and just about everything else in close proximity. I cleaned up by throwing the roller and brush away and taking a shower.

I was disappointed the next morning when I went out to the work shop to view my handiwork. The flat black was just too...flat. I hurried down to Ace, picked up a quart of black semi-gloss, another brush and roller and went to work. When it dried I was disappointed again, in my rush I'd picked the wrong color, stupidly thinking there was only one color of black, I'd picked “India Ink Black” instead of “Ace Of Spades Black” and now it was too... India Inky?

And so, back to the hardware store where I carefully picked out a can of “Ace Of Spades Black” satin, (they were out of semi-gloss,) and another roller. (I'd at least cleaned the brush!) The third try proved to be the charm, and the well-painted TV stand was finished. Total cost – particle board $27.00, paint and rollers - $42.00.

I set the stand up in the living room and filled the lower part with two tower speakers, a Hi Def DVD player, surround sound amp, video recorder and a center speaker. We carried in a small, (25”) but heavy, TV from the bedroom and put it on top to try it out and to give us something to watch until the new set arrived. Unfortunately the whole conglomeration was so heavy it was almost impossible to slide across the carpet.

A trip to Wal-Mart solved the problem with a package of furniture glides which I glued and screwed to the bottom, and I was finished just in time for the new TV!

On the next morning, Jan 5^th, I called the trucking company to find out what time the TV would be delivered. When the secretary said, “Uh, Mr. Cleland, there's a problem, let me put the dispatcher on. Great, I thought, it's probably not going to get here today. A man's voice came on the phone. “Your TV was at our loading dock in Lincoln City last night and someone broke into the truck and stole it along with two cases of Nike tennis shoes!

It had traveled all the way from Pennsylvania and got swiped 60 miles from it's destination!

I spent the rest of the day on the phone with Visa to get the payment stopped, with Amazon where I talked to an Asian lady who's English was so bad I could barely understand her, and with several of the trucking companies that had handled it. Two days later Amazon reordered the TV, I lifted the dispute from our credit card and another TV was on its merry way across the country.

The new tracking number supplied by the trucking company showed a now familiar route; Harrisburg Pennsylvania, Columbus Ohio, Sacramento California, and then PDX in Portland on January 13th.

The trucking company called the next day to get directions and an hour later we had our new TV. It took me all afternoon to figure out how to operate the electronic gizmos, bells and whistles, but it has a beautiful picture, and its bigger than JC's!

Chewy 1993-2009

Chewy was a tiny runt in a large litter of Lhasa Apso puppies. The couple who gave him to us called him “Chip” because he was literally the size of a chipmunk. We changed his name to Chewy because of his fondness for gently chewing on our fingers, but our grandson Austin called him “Choo Choo” I guess because our black lab was named “Boom Boom.” As soon as Austin came in the front door he'd yell, “Choo Choo and Boom Boom!” and head for the back yard to play with the dogs.

Chewy was a friend and companion to us, our kids and our grandkids.