Bad Cook

I'll have to admit it - I'm a terrible cook! Thank God I married Carol, because she knows her way around the kitchen. If I had remained a bachelor I'd probably weigh about 70 pounds by now, refusing to eat my own lousy cooking, or maybe 700 pounds if I ate the greasy stuff.

I've been banned for life from contributing to our weekly barbecues. JC and Kelly both cook when we're at their house, but when we're at our house all I'm allowed to do is start the charcoal, pour the wine and take out the garbage. Carol does the rest.

The exception is breakfast. Since our dog Taz and I are early risers, I almost always make my own breakfast.

I think a person can learn anything, especially if the threat of pain and fire extinguishers is involved, so over the years, after experiencing many disasters, I've learned how to cook one meal with decent results. Of course, since I'm the only one who eats it, you'll have to take my word for it. (Taz does get to lick my plate when I'm done, (for a dishwasher pre-rinse) and he seems to like it OK.)

Here are some of my favorite breakfast recipes:

High fiber microwaved bacon

Take two pieces of extra fat bacon, lay them on two layers of paper towels on two paper plates. Cover with another layer of paper towel. Microwave on high for three and a half or four minutes. (If the paper plate catches on fire, cut down cooking time.) When done correctly the bacon should look and taste like high quality pork rinds, only blacker. In fact if you're out of bacon, pork rinds can be substituted. If the bacon sticks to the paper towels, which it usually does, peel off what you can and don't worry about the rest. (This is where the high fiber comes from!) Enjoy!

Sunny side up Wal-mart eggs

If Wal-mart eggs are unavailable, other eggs can be substituted. Spray egg pan with Wal-mart cooking spray, making sure that the pan is well greased. Crack two eggs into a pan pre-heated to medium temp, and fish out the small pieces of eggshell with a larger piece. Fish that piece out with your fingers and run cold water on them to prevent blisters. Cover the eggs with a lid to steam them to a runny perfection.

Alaska White Baked Potato

Put one medium size Alaska White potato in the microwave set on high for six minutes. (No other kind of potato will do.) Through experience I have learned to poke holes in the potato with a fork so it doesn't explode. (If you poke the holes just right, the escaping steam will make the potato self rotate!) If it does explode, see the recipe for Alaska White Hash Browns below. When it's done, mash it with a fork, season with Dollar Store freshly ground pepper, and sea salt, then smother it with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and Blue Cheese Dressing. Bon Apetite!

Alaska White Hash Browns

Grate a medium sized Alaska White Potato. ( No other kind of potato will do.) Be careful of your fingers on the grater, (but really, you can't see the blood when the potatoes are browned.) Drop the grated potato into a hot cast iron skillet greased with Wal-mart cooking spray. When one side is brown flip with a spatula, being careful to keep most of the hash browns in the skillet. Season with freshly ground Dollar Store sea salt and pepper, add a dollop of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and when the second side is browned to perfection, serve!

Le Petomane Bean Pancakes

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This recipe has been censored in the public interest by the FDA and the Department of Homeland Security.