My Ass Fell Off

Since my ass fell off quite a few years ago I've been in an ever increasing battle to keep my pants from falling down. My first solution was to just take up another notch in my belt, but eventually that proved to be painful - my belly didn't desert me, my butt did.

I found an elastic, stretchable belt that I could cinch up without too much discomfort and that helped, but I still was constantly hitching up my trousers, which it seemed were trying to demonstrate the law of gravity to me.

I pared down the items in my pockets, took unneeded keys off of my key ring, shelved my trusty pocket knife, cleaned out my wallet and put all of my change in a coin box. My pants still slowly worked their way down, especially if I was carrying something heavy, and didn't have a free hand to pull them up.

Carol suggested getting some suspenders, but I cringed at the thought of yet another consession to becoming an old fart. “You want me to look like Larry King?” I asked.

Finally after years of fighting a losing battle, I gave in and bought a pair of suspenders at Walmart.

“Hey, honey, give me a hand hooking these damn things up.” “I got the front OK but if you'll just clip on the back ones...”

Carol hooked the two rear clips up and I tightened the front straps. “Don't get them too tight!” she warned. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. “God, am I always this stooped over?” Besides being bent over like the hunchback of Notre Dame, there also was considerable tightness in my crotch area.

“Maybe you're right!,” I squeaked,” I think they might be too tight!.” Actually, if anything had given way, I think I would have been shot like an arrow from a compound bow right into the ceiling. Or the floor, I'm not sure which.

I've since learned to live with them, although a few problems arise now and then; like inadvertently standing on a shoulder strap while trying to pull my pants up, or trying to take my shirt off without shucking the suspenders first.

I loaded my pockets back up with a full key ring, my trusty pocket knife and a wallet full of useless junk. I'm still kind of stooped over, but that's probably just gravity.

God forbid, I am starting to look like Larry King!