Me And My Prostate

Since my brother John (JC) had died from metastasized prostate cancer, and when my last checkup showed a significant increase in my PSA level, I was sent kicking and screaming into the referral system. My primary care doc had recommended that I have a prostate biopsy done, but unfortunately the nearest urologist is 60 miles away, in Corvallis. I envisioned a trip to get another exam from him and then another 120 mile round trip to do the procedure. When Carol asked me what the doctor had said, I couldn't remember the word “Biopsy” so I said, “I need to have a core sample taken!”(A term from my mining days.)

At the Corvallis Clinic the nurse gave me a container and directions for a “clean catch” urine sample and after I supplied that she led me to an exam room where I waited for the doctor. When he came in we shook hands and he said,”You look a lot like your brother!” and I realized that he was the same doc who had treated JC. We talked about how JC had waited until it was far too late before seeing a doctor, and then he explained what the biopsy procedure would entail.

“We can do it now, if you're ready,” he said.

“oh,” I weakly answered. Shit, I'm not ready for this!

“OK, lets do it !” I said in a brave voice.

“The nurse will get you ready, and I'll be back in a minute,” he said.

“Take your shoes, pants and undershorts off,” she said,”You can leave your shirt and socks on.” I stood there waiting for her to leave the room so I could undress but she said over her shoulder as she worked, “Don't worry I'll keep my back turned. When you're ready, get on the table, lie on your left side and I'll cover you with a blanket.”

When the doctor returned he sat down and helped position me so that my bum was in a handy position, at least for him.

“Now this instrument that I'm going to insert will take ultrasound images so I can see exactly what I'm doing, It also will inject a local anesthetic and take the biopsies. Biopsies! When did it become plural?

“This won't hurt, it'll just be a little uncomfortable.”

OW!

I couldn't see what he was inserting back there but if it did all the things he said, it must be like a medical Swiss army knife, or maybe like one of those robots on the Si-Fi channel that have interchangeable gadgets on the end of their arms.

“You'll feel a little pinch now.”

OW!

“That was Lidocaine, the anesthetic, and there's one more.”

OW!

“OK, I've got a good picture on the ultrasound, I'll show you the pictures when we're done.” I can hardly wait!

“Now when I take a biopsy, you'll hear a loud snap like a mouse trap going off, so don't let it startle you.”

SNAP!

OW! ...Well, I'm glad that's over!

SNAP!

OW! Biopsies! Plural, remember!

The mousetrap in my butt went off 6 times and then there was a pause, but my hopes were dashed when he said, ”Now we'll do the other side!”

“How are you doing? Any pain? Just uncomfortable, right?”

“Yeah, piece of cake!” I answered. Just get that thing out of my ass!

SNAP! OW! SNAP! OW! SNAP! OW! SNAP! OW! SNAP! OW! SNAP! OW!

“I'm going to withdraw it now.” Thank God!

Afterward, he proudly showed me a string of ultrasound pictures that looked exactly like a bunch of blobs. I might as well have been looking at someones pregnancy ultrasound pics. Was it a boy or a girl? Should I name it yet?

After I got dressed he informed me that it would be 3 or 4 days before the results would come from the lab and that he would call me when they showed up.

Carol was waiting for me in the hallway, and she walked with me as I waddled along out to the parking lot.