Hi guys,
Yesterday while I was visiting him
in ICU, Brad asked me if I was OK. It was typical of him to think of
others while he almost died from a bad case of the flu which
developed into pneumonia.
Physically I'm OK but since we got
back from visiting Carol, I'm having some delusions.
The other evening I went to sleep
around 8pm, and the dogs woke me up around 10 to go outside. I let
them out and then went into Carol's bedroom to check on her. Her bed
was empty, so in a panic I started searching the house. I was at the
front door getting ready to go out and look down the highway before I
realized that she was at Conifer House in Corvallis. I don't know if
I was sleepwalking or just confused.
A few nights ago I fell asleep in the
living room recliner and when I woke up I swear Carol was on the
couch sleeping. When I got up and looked closer she was gone. At
night I keep seeing her face with the blank look I got when I tried
to hug her at Conifer House. She still doesn't recognize me.
All I know for sure is that I miss
her terribly and for now I can't bear to see the state she's in.
This disease has affected our family
so much, it's hard to even think about her being gone, but at least
she's being cared for, which I'm ashamed to say I failed at. If it
hadn't been for Donna and Brad things would definitely been a lot
worse. Most of the last six months I've been in a daze and pretty
worthless.
Here's a link to Conifer House in
Corvallis.
http://www.coniferhousealmc.com/
I am reading your blog on a cool Saturday morning, wiling away some time. I decided to look at some of the sites that I h ave bookmarked but seem to rarely, if ever visit. I couldn't tell you why I visited your blog.
ReplyDeleteI began reading of your melancholy existence and your "ghost" that haunts your house. I, too, have a ghost here but I don't see her or think she is here. I just act like she is here; getting into bed surreptitiously so as to not register on her radar like I did before she died (passed, wen to heaven, left this earthly existence, got free). Speak to her sometimes when I do something to get the Evil Eye, engage in something she disproved of or felt her tsk tsk-ing me or wanting to share a song or a funny video with her. We had some photos enlarged to display at the memorial service and a big head shot of her with her ready, broad smile sits idle in one of the spare bedrooms I sometimes escape to and she watches me.
I know that having your wife pass away doesn't compare to her passing away in situ or divorcing you in an acrimonious free-for-all. But I can empathize with your world and I feel your dismay, rattling around in an empty house and wondering what the hell happened. I too have (tremor dominant) Parkinson's disease (20+ yrs) and these days I stumble around, frequently, falling regularly. No tremors thanks to neds and DNS. When I told my PCP that Marty had died, he said,"No offense but I thought yo.u would go first!" (I need to put an entry into my long dormant blog about this event in my life with Parkinson's. Gotta go now, if you search for "VD Writes" you will find my blog. Note that "vigwig" and "VD" are two of my aliases
Sincerely, Vic Lopez aka vigwig