Venting

Parkinson's Lament

I feel more than a little guilty about complaining, since so many other people with Parkinson's have symptoms that are much more advanced and serious than mine. I consider myself fortunate that my symptoms are still mild, but every now and then, like everyone, I need to vent a little bit.

I guess the symptom that I hate the most is my deteriorating manual dexterity. I used to be proud of my ability to work with my hands and I enjoyed putzing around in my workshop, sawing, sanding, soldering, welding, and building various projects. Now the shop is littered with unfinished undertakings left behind in frustration.

The medicine (Dopamine) that I take to reduce the tremors, works most of the time, but sometimes I feel like I have two left hands. Eating in public is embarrassing, a knife and fork just won't work for me the way they used to. It almost feels like I've never used them before, and sometimes I think I could do just as well with chopsticks. Inevitably the morsel of food that I've struggled so hard to get on the tip of my fork will shake off just as I bring it up to my open mouth, and the more frustrated and stressed I get, the more the tremors increase.

The second most irritating symptom for me is the gradual weakening of my voice. If I haven't spoken for a while and try to answer the phone, about all I can get out is a garbled croak. It usually takes a couple of tries before I can say a clear “Hello?” Other times it's difficult to speak loud enough to be heard, especially if there's any background noise.

Thirdly, I really miss my sense of smell. I remember what the Northwest rain smelled like early in the morning; “Green ice, silence and minnow breath,” as Tom Robbins wrote. The odors of Lilacs, fresh coffee, newly mowed grass and puppy breath are just memories now.

My upper body strength is poor, especially the grip in my hands. The weather's been too crappy to do much kayaking, which would help. Walking keeps my leg strength up and I squeeze rubber exercise balls while I walk, (Carol likes to remind me to keep squeezing my balls while we're walking,) but so far it hasn't helped much. (My grip that is.)

Memory lapses are getting more frequent, I even forgot how to tie my shoe the other day. Mostly it's just temporary though, a missing word or name will eventually come back, sometimes in the middle of the night. My other symptoms; dizziness, loss of balance, difficulty swallowing, are all mild.

I'm going to resist everything this disease throws at me and I plan on keeping my sense of humor while I'm doing it.