Saturday, November 07, 2015

Our Soap Opera

Lately we seem to be living in a never ending soap opera.
The days of our lives are overshadowed by illness and heartache. As the world turns on it's axis, we spend much of our time in the dark shadows of General Hospital. We only have one life to live, but all my children are still among the young and restless.
In last seasons episodes:
Carols C.R.S.* problems worsened, and Roberts cancer was deemed “non aggressive.”
Adam was lost in a boating accident in Alaska and Aiden swam to safety. Nicole, Aiden and Isabell moved into their new house.
David and Allison moved into a new house. David started a new job. Walker started walking.
Brad also started walking (without a cane) and passed his drivers test using hand controls. He discovered that he can run when being chased by wasps. Donna is studying at Community College and awaiting an MRI for her episode of *C.R.S.
Don and Dianna split up, dividing their kids; Austin with Don, and Shelby with Dianna. Don had a stroke and began physical therapy. Don and Austin got in a fight and Austin moved out.
Taz got a hot spot on his butt and Squeak found new neighbors to bark at.
Expect more intrigue and excitement in the next seasons episodes.

*Can't Remember Shit!

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Getting old sucks!


I've had Biopsies, Cat scans, MRI's, Echo Cardiograms, a Colonoscopy, Cystoscopy. an EGD (whatever that is) Xrays, countless blood tests and I still keep finding more things going wrong with my body.
I can't sleep on either side anymore because of arthritis in my hips, and I can't sleep on my back in bed because of apnea and snoring so loud I wake myself up, so I moved into the den and onto my recliner. It keeps my head and upper body elevated (to avoid acid reflux) and my feet elevated (for edema in my ankles and feet). Hopefully my Urologist won't advise me to elevate my junk, because my recliner won't bend that way.
I'm taking four different prescription pills, one and a half four times a day for Parkinson's, one three times a day for the nausea caused by the Parkinson's pills, and two once a day for prostate cancer. I quit taking the one for the constipation caused by the one that...Oh shit, I lost track.
I wear compression stockings, (Geezer squeezer socks) for the edema. The first time I tried putting them on I almost wiped myself out. It was like getting into a wrestling match with myself and losing! I finally found a Youtube video that showed a better way to put the damn things on. (It still ain't easy!)
I have alarm clock software in my computer that tells me when to take my pills, which I keep in a pill minder to keep track of what pills to take when the alarm goes off.
I know it could be a lot worse, I'm lucky to get around as well as I do. A lot of old timers who are hurting much more than I am will probably laugh at my meager list of complaints, but then, I'm probably not through yet!
I wrote lyrics several years ago about Parkinson's Disease; if your old enough you might remember Monty Python's “I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.” If you don't, here's a YouTube link:

I'm a shaky guy and I don't care
I drool on my pillow here and there
My jaw wiggles every time I yawn
I'm way too tired to mow the lawn
It's quite a sight when I try to eat
My fork keeps dropping that piece of meat
Everything I say is answered by What?
My voice is a whisper I repeat a lot
My writing is tiny of this I'm sure
I can't even read my own signature
It could be worse I do know that
I just sit here in my cowboy hat
drinking red wine in my favorite chair
I'm a shaky guy and I don't care

Sunday, June 07, 2015

How To Mispronounce Colorado

I don't know when it started but somehow the pronunciation of the state name has changed. When I was a kid growing up and going to school there, everyone pronounced it Col as in doll, a as in duh, rad as in dad, o as in oh. Colorado!
    I first noticed this insidious change while watching Joe Buck announce a Bronco's game on TV. He repeatedly said Cal a raw do. I thought maybe it was just Joe Buck being ignorant as usual but when I started paying attention I realized that even the local news casters were mispronouncing it.
   Maybe since I left, (I live in Oregon now) too many Californians have moved there and changed it to Calorawdo, which is easier for them to remember.
    Don't get me started on Oar a gone!

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Egg Hunt



At our age every morning is like an Easter egg hunt.
    A leprechaun or something comes in during the night and hides, among various other things, the TV remote, slippers, one sock, dentures, our favorite coffee cups or my reading glasses, (I have three pair, one for the computer, one for reading and one for really serious things like watch repair or brain surgery.) Sometimes all three pairs get hidden, and then I'm searching with a real handicap.
    No matter what's missing, I have a search pattern that I go through with varying success – (any of the above missing items have at one time or another, been found in the following places)... dishwasher, microwave, refrigerator, refrigerator freezer, bathroom medicine cabinet, under a bed, fireplace, patio, or in one of the dogs mouths.
    Once we say “Oh screw it!” and give up the search, the leprechaun (or whatever it is) usually takes pity on us and lets us find whatever we were looking for, usually in the last place we look. (Funny how you always find things in the last place you look!)
    Oh well, it's an every day challenge and it's kind of fun!)

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Incarcerated



Don't get me wrong, over my 78 years I've been in the slammer a few times... but not lately. At least not until today!
This afternoon I went out to the greenhouse to get a seed packet, which I was going to take back in the house and tape it to a little stake so I could tell where the onion seeds I had planted were located. While I was fiddling around I heard Carol put something inside the shed that the greenhouse is attached to, and close the door. I fiddled some more and when I went to leave I discovered that she had put the screwdriver through the hasp on the door and locked me in!
I yelled and beat on the door but she'd already gone in the house. I looked at my watch...It was one o'clock. I probably could have kicked the door apart, but I remembered all the work I had done to repair it from storm damage a couple of years ago and I decided that would be a last resort.
Oh well she'll be looking for me pretty soon! I looked at my watch again, She's probably watching General Hospital and when that's over... Oh shit! It's Saturday!
I decided to make the best of it and so I swept the brick floor, cleaned out some spider webs and made sure the tomato plants were well watered. I looked at my watch again...A quarter past one.
There was an old dusty radio that I had left sitting on a shelf and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the batteries weren't completely dead and I managed to pick up a weak AM station that was playing oldies. I also found an old folding canvas camping chair, so I had tunes and a place to sit.
After sitting for a while I looked at my watch again...one thirty. I re-swept the floor and watered the tomato plants which were starting to look a little soggy, and that reminded me that I had to pee. As an avid fiction reader, I remembered that the kidnapped hostage was always given a bucket to go in. Well, I had several buckets, so that problem was solved. Now if only Carol or the dogs would come out I could try to get their attention. Several times I heard doors slamming but it was the neighbors coming and going and they were too far away to hear me.
If I'd had a Phillips screwdriver I might have been able to escape through the shed window that I had screwed shut years ago, but even my MacGiver Swiss army knife wouldn't budge the old rusted screws.
I looked at my watch...two o'clock. The radio station faded in and out while Eddie Arnold sang The Prisoner's Song. Oh if I had the wings of an angel, over these prison walls I'd fly!
I spotted a slug crawling out from under one of my newly planted tomato plants, (probably to escape form being drowned!) so I grabbed my trusty, rusty machete and murdered him. I spent the next half hour searching and hacking. (I got three.)
Back in my camping chair I looked at my watch...a quarter to three.
I watched the tomato plants but they didn't seem to be growing any. Roy Orbison was singing Only The Lonely.
At three thirty I heard one of the dogs bark so I began beating on the door to get their attention. When they heard the racket I was making they started barking in front of the door and finally I heard the screwdriver being slid out of the latch. When the door opened Carol and the dogs all looked at me like, What the hell are you doing in there? I just shook my head, went in the house and poured a glass of wine.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Bad Wednesday



I had a scary thing happen Wednesday.
I woke up early as usual, let the dogs out, made a cup of hot cocoa and got on the computer for while. A little later I fixed some bacon and eggs and watched the news on CNN while I ate.
I started to feel some discomfort which soon turned into a major stomach ache. Gas pain! I thought and started pacing back and forth waiting for some relief. Instead it got worse. By the time Carol got up I was in agony. “I'm going to have to go to the hospital!” I told her.
Since she doesn't have a drivers license any more, I drove myself to Newport and checked in to the emergency room. Surprisingly, I got right in and a nurse began taking my vitals. I knew there wasn't anything they could do for the pain until they figured out what was wrong with me, but I was really hurting. She tapped into a vein in my skinny arm, having a little trouble with my ropy veins, and took out what seemed like a gallon of blood for the lab.
After what seemed like an eternity, a doctor Graham came in to examine me. After poking and prodding my stomach, listening to my heart and lungs and questioning me about where it hurt he decided to schedule a cat scan. “How long will I have to wait?” I asked.. To my relief he said they weren't busy and it would only be about twenty minutes. Actually, it was only about ten minutes when the cat scan operator came in, helped me into a wheel chair and rolled me to the c-scan room. She and her assistant helped me onto the table and gave me instructions about when to hold my breath and when it was OK to breathe again. They injected something into the handy gizmo the nurse had left in the vein in my arm and rolled me in and out of the machine a couple of times. A few minutes later I was in the wheelchair heading back to my bed in the ER.
The pain in my stomach was radiating through to my kidneys and it was excruciating. I had had a gallbladder go out on me before and this was similar but worse. When the nurse asked me “How bad is your pain on a scale of 1 to 10?” I told her it was an 8or 9. I figured I'd save a little in case, God forbid, it could get worse.
After another eternity the doctor came back in with a serious look on his face. “I'm afraid I have some bad news.” he said, pulling up a chair next to me. “The cat scan showed a mass in your lower stomach that I'm afraid looks very much like stomach cancer!” I felt the bottom drop out of my universe. I already have been diagnosed with prostate cancer, my mother died from stomach cancer, my brother recently died from metastasized bone cancer, and my nephew was in the hospital in Corvallis being operated on for possible Lymphoma cancer, so I certainly have the family history to make me eligible for it. The look on the doctor's face worried me as much as what he had told me. I could tell that he was really concerned.
“Doctor Larsen will be in soon and we'll go over the results of the c-scan together and get back to you.” he said getting up to leave.
“Can I have something for the pain now?” I almost yelled.
“Yes, I'll have the nurse take care of it right away!” I looked at my watch and it was after one in the afternoon.
Blessed relief! As the Dilaudid took effect I began to realize why junkies and tweakers get hooked on drugs. The pain receded and I started to feel good, actually better than good.
My wife Carol and our daughter-in-law Donna came in, and the nurse filled them in on everything. I was kind of floating above the bed, happy to see them, happy to be pain free for a while.
Soon doctor Larsen showed up and we remembered each other from a hernia repair he had performed on me about five years previously. We shook hands, he looked at what the nurse had entered into the computer and after a little poking and prodding of my stomach, he left to confer with doctor Graham.
After a short time Doctor Larsen poked his head through the curtain around my bed. “You're going to get another c-scan! This time it'll be a high contrast c-scan similar to the other one, but much easier for us to read.” In a few minutes the cat-scan lady showed up with her wheelchair and she asked me, “Did the doctor explain the difference between the high contrast c-scan and the one you had earlier?”
Not really,” I answered.
They never do.” she sighed. “Instead of injecting dye into your arm we inject it into the other end!”
Oh!” I said.
After enduring what was basically an embarrassing enema by the two nurses, I went through the c-scan with no problems, and was soon back in my ER bed. Carol and Donna were doing their best to cheer me up and then the nurse gave me another shot of Dilaudid to ease the returning pain.
I was floating again when the two doctors came in. Doctor Graham's face was covered with a big grin as he said,”We have some wonderful news for you!” Doctor Larsen asked, “How would you like to go home today?” The high contrast picture shows that it's not a cancer!” They took turns explaining that my gut has some weird twists and turns that confused the first pictures and that all I had was what boiled down to a heavy duty case of constipation.
After they left, Carol said, “You might as well get dressed so we can check out.”
I already have my clothes on!” I said.
No you don't!” Donna chuckled.
Oh!” I said.
It must have been the Dilaudid, because I didn't remember getting undressed.
While you're checking out I'll get some gas in the car and some Tylenol for dad's pain and meet you out front.” Donna said.
We made it out through the ER entrance in record time, but there was no Donna in sight. “I hope she didn't have any car trouble!” Carol said as we went back inside to get warm. When the ER receptionists looked up at us I said, “We like it so much here, we just can't leave!”
Donna drove up a few minutes later and took us home.